diary of grace

already enough

there's few things in life that can be more of an honor than being the person who someone trusts enough to be real about their pain. I thank Jesus over and over for the gift I have to give hugs, wipe tears, listen, and walk through hell with so many beautiful people. not all days are walking through the dark. some are celebrating the light and the victories. but then there's those days that are story after story after story of heartbreak and abuse and desperation all in one day.

I had one of those days this week. a couple actually. I'm not someone who gets angry easily but when I hear story after story of injustice and abuse and see the longterm results it leaves on beautiful hearts, something inside me snaps. I wish I could end every abusive relationship. I wish I could provide all the love every abandoned child needs. I wish I could take away all the panic attacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression and worthlessness every aching heart feels.

that's where my heart was the other night as I stepped out my door to walk up to the school building for evening chapel.

the stars shine bright above me and I stop, right there in the middle of the sidewalk, eyes and heart lifted upward.

I think of Moses on the mountain, battling with God for the lives of his people. I feel like I can hear his heart cry, God take me and blot me from your book forever if it can save the lives of my people.

the stars twinkle all around me and the moon rises, just a crescent over the trees towering skyward.

"God, I would do anything to end all this pain. anything. I'd give my life. take it, right this very minute if somehow that sacrifice could end the pain that so many beautiful hearts are going through. i'm serious. giving up my future is nothing in comparison to there being an end to all this heartache."

I've told Him that before but I'd never felt it to the depth of my being like in this moment.

it's only a second though, and He replies, His whisper clear as crystal.

princess, I already gave my life. I already made the sacrifice. you don't have to. you don't have to carry all this. I've already made a way. you just get to show them that by the way you love.

His words hit deep. there is no sacrifice of life waiting to be made. He already did. He saw every heartache and He already gave everything.

I pause under the starry sky and I think about a quiet night thousands of years ago when God calls Abraham out of his tent to go and look at these same stars. it's that night that He makes a covenant with Abraham and promises Him the very sacrifice that He reminds me of under the starry sky tonight.

from the very beginning of time He saw the suffering that would wrack this world for thousands of years. He saw the pain and He gave Himself as the solution.

I look up at the stars one more time and they hold so much promise. under these stars He promised Abraham He would be the solution. under these stars He reminded me that He is.

I walk towards the glow of the school building and my heart is a little lighter. I don't carry the weight of the world. He has already won it. because this God? this God keeps His promises. this God has fulfilled His covenant in a million ways over the thousands of years since pain first entered this world. this God is the epitome of trustworthiness and faithfulness.

and maybe all this busted up world needs right now is to see that a little clearer, while we wait for Him to complete the promise. we rejoice in the promises fulfilled and at the same time we wait for the final fulfillment which will bring justice to everyone who ever lifted a finger against His kids.

flames burn bright around me as I stand around the campfire later that night and sing praise songs and watch the flames light up the young faces around me.

"the Lord has promised good to me,

His Word my hope secures,

He will my shield and portion be,

as long as life endures."

He will. He is. He always has been. and that is enough. even on nights like tonight.

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Hannah Rayne

​22. INFJ. Lover of Jesus. Dean. Bible Teacher. Graduate of Masters of Biblical Counseling.

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